What precious things have you gathered in 2013?
Which memories from this year do you wish to keep with you always?
Maybe 'people who have been there for you' is a cliche that has been used way too many times and lost its meaning. This year especially that's my best memory. People who have been there for me NO MATTER WHAT! My mom who left making breakfast in the kitchen for my entire family hurrying off to work, to hold me for as long as it took while i was crying. My sister who listened to the same story and reassured me the same way the more than millionth time, even in her sleep. Can't call her just my best friend, cos a best friend is anyone and everyone and she is my Nikita Deshpande, who possibly took the worst of me this year, kept aside the shit she was going through, the bullshit I added to it, understood and helped me, even though it demanded a lot from her and wasn't very rewarding. The twin soul, joined to my soul at the hip and yet not joined, who made me make myself happen again. My steadiest and most precious affair, who shared my pain and bared me to hers, knowing it was anything but easy for her to do that. All those people who were there this particular year for me without a word, when there were so many they could have said to me.
My memories are them being my rock this year in their inimitable way!
Friday, December 6, 2013
#Reverb13 Day 5: Risk
What was the greatest risk you took in 2013? What was the outcome?
The greatest risk I took this year, was also probably the greatest risk I've known myself to take ever so far. I know this because I am trembling as I write this. I am trembling the way I trembled when I shared my writing with someone, or when I told the love of my life that I loved him or when I frankly held my niece. I am trembling at the thought of sharing this.
Having and sustaining faith in something that has been called impractical and unhealthy for me for very valid reasons and praying for it is the biggest risk I have taken. I have no idea how long the wait is. I have no idea what fate my heart is going to meet by the time this goes anywhere. But its a risk, its a risk that takes a lot more than I realize. I go insane, I go numb giving to this faith what it takes, and it feels like the breath sucked out of me when someone punched me in the stomach.
But I cannot see sense without this faith anymore.
Letting me take the risk of having this faith, a lot of people who love me and are worried about me are taking a risk too. And I am putting at risk, my responsibility to assure them that I am okay. I might sound highly vain, and I promise I am not and you can buy it if you will.
Prayer, faith and love! That's my risk. Its a risk everyone takes and undermines. Its the biggest risk I have taken this year and probably ever until now..
The greatest risk I took this year, was also probably the greatest risk I've known myself to take ever so far. I know this because I am trembling as I write this. I am trembling the way I trembled when I shared my writing with someone, or when I told the love of my life that I loved him or when I frankly held my niece. I am trembling at the thought of sharing this.
Having and sustaining faith in something that has been called impractical and unhealthy for me for very valid reasons and praying for it is the biggest risk I have taken. I have no idea how long the wait is. I have no idea what fate my heart is going to meet by the time this goes anywhere. But its a risk, its a risk that takes a lot more than I realize. I go insane, I go numb giving to this faith what it takes, and it feels like the breath sucked out of me when someone punched me in the stomach.
But I cannot see sense without this faith anymore.
Letting me take the risk of having this faith, a lot of people who love me and are worried about me are taking a risk too. And I am putting at risk, my responsibility to assure them that I am okay. I might sound highly vain, and I promise I am not and you can buy it if you will.
Prayer, faith and love! That's my risk. Its a risk everyone takes and undermines. Its the biggest risk I have taken this year and probably ever until now..
#Reverb13 Day 4: Grieving
What have you lost, what are you grieving?
Ever marveled at the number of times you kiss THAT person? At getting to call THAT person at three in the night to say "I miss you!", knowing he'll get irritated and doing it anyway, knowing he'll be back to normal and in love with you on the phone the next morning? Ever stared at THAT person, admired him completely besotted and okay with being so and told him for the millionth time that you love him? Ever marveled at getting to do all of that with that person just because you can? Just because you're THAT person in his life who can?
I lost that. I'm grieving that. Ya well.. :-)
Ever marveled at the number of times you kiss THAT person? At getting to call THAT person at three in the night to say "I miss you!", knowing he'll get irritated and doing it anyway, knowing he'll be back to normal and in love with you on the phone the next morning? Ever stared at THAT person, admired him completely besotted and okay with being so and told him for the millionth time that you love him? Ever marveled at getting to do all of that with that person just because you can? Just because you're THAT person in his life who can?
I lost that. I'm grieving that. Ya well.. :-)
#Reverb13 Day 3: Listen to your Heart
What does your heart have to tell you?
You know....how do you fail me when I need you the most?
Dear damn heart, where do you go I need that maturity and that wisdom that people say you have?
"Listen to your heart! Listen! Listen to it!
Your heart can never be wrong! Listen to your heart!" they say
I mean where does that come from??
You? What do you know? You know what's right??
Out of nowhere you will stubbornly squat
in memory lanes, at dead ends, atop castles in the air
and back over and over again on that wall
where Humpty Dumpty broke himself
never to be put together again!
You squat, you stubborn brat,
and you throw your hands and feet in the air
and bawl for all those things
you just have to have.
So what if they hurt?
They're yours and they must be brought to you!
There's no bringing you up!
And today you ask for the faith that will kill me? and I will listen to you,
won't I?
"Listen to your heart!" they say, those ridiculously pathetically foolish wise people!
As if we had a choice..
You know....how do you fail me when I need you the most?
Dear damn heart, where do you go I need that maturity and that wisdom that people say you have?
"Listen to your heart! Listen! Listen to it!
Your heart can never be wrong! Listen to your heart!" they say
I mean where does that come from??
You? What do you know? You know what's right??
Out of nowhere you will stubbornly squat
in memory lanes, at dead ends, atop castles in the air
and back over and over again on that wall
where Humpty Dumpty broke himself
never to be put together again!
You squat, you stubborn brat,
and you throw your hands and feet in the air
and bawl for all those things
you just have to have.
So what if they hurt?
They're yours and they must be brought to you!
There's no bringing you up!
And today you ask for the faith that will kill me? and I will listen to you,
"Listen to your heart!" they say, those ridiculously pathetically foolish wise people!
As if we had a choice..
Thursday, December 5, 2013
#Reverb13 Day 2: Nourishment
What made your soul feel most nourished this year?
This year, I was made to remember how fabulous I am even at my worst! I was made to realize that it is not okay to forget that cos it comes at a price. And I might take a break from being fabulous but I can never take a break from paying the price of it. Coming home to myself, even though lonely, nourished me this year.
That and the realization that I had no escape from my love for writing and its painful yet rewarding reciprocation. Both of those nursed me back to health. I have miles to go before I sleep.. :-)
This year, I was made to remember how fabulous I am even at my worst! I was made to realize that it is not okay to forget that cos it comes at a price. And I might take a break from being fabulous but I can never take a break from paying the price of it. Coming home to myself, even though lonely, nourished me this year.
That and the realization that I had no escape from my love for writing and its painful yet rewarding reciprocation. Both of those nursed me back to health. I have miles to go before I sleep.. :-)
#Reverb13 Day 1: On Your First Day
How do you feel, on this first day, in your mind? In your body? In your heart? In your soul?
First day of the last month of this year. I woke up from a nightmare. First day of the first month of this year I had woken up to living a nightmare. Those ghosts haunted me, possessed me and made me unrecognizable.
First day of December, I had the cold grim whirlpool in my stomach, the silent indicator of the arrival of a ghost. I let it own me like I knew it eventually would. I spent the whole day waiting for the ghost to arrive. I prayed for faith to not disappoint me and come to my rescue this time. Faith never came. But you know what? Neither did the ghost.
By the end of the day, I realized the arrival of December and welcomed it. It is the month in which I was born, the month in which I feel most at home, the month in which I feel most me. I let the scent of the month seep into my being and slowly battle the whirlpool. I felt like I was going to retch but by the end of it, I won. I felt exasperatingly at home in the cavity formed in my heart, my body and my soul.
First day of the last month of this year. I woke up from a nightmare. First day of the first month of this year I had woken up to living a nightmare. Those ghosts haunted me, possessed me and made me unrecognizable.
First day of December, I had the cold grim whirlpool in my stomach, the silent indicator of the arrival of a ghost. I let it own me like I knew it eventually would. I spent the whole day waiting for the ghost to arrive. I prayed for faith to not disappoint me and come to my rescue this time. Faith never came. But you know what? Neither did the ghost.
By the end of the day, I realized the arrival of December and welcomed it. It is the month in which I was born, the month in which I feel most at home, the month in which I feel most me. I let the scent of the month seep into my being and slowly battle the whirlpool. I felt like I was going to retch but by the end of it, I won. I felt exasperatingly at home in the cavity formed in my heart, my body and my soul.
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